Here's a very asymmetrical selfie on my way to my first filling appointment
Going the implant route on one side and the DIEP flap route on the other has given me an interesting perspective. The flap surgery was hard. The initial recovery was hard. It was a LONG time to be in the hospital. Physically it took a lot out of me. But emotionally, I think it was easier because from the first time I took off the compression bra, I could see the results. I had breasts that looked pretty normal, minus the nipple (where the nipple would be is a flat round piece of skin that used to be part of my tummy) and one incision underneath the breast. They were bruised and sore, but really didn't look that bad. They felt like breasts. It was a done thing. Having to go back in for another surgery was really hard on me physically. I don't think a normal implant reconstruction would have been so hard, but back to back surgeries were exhausting. And emotionally I know that the implant process has been harder.
If you aren't familiar with implants, basically during surgery the doctor puts an uninflated balloon (called a spacer) under the muscle. After you heal a bit from the surgery, they start filling the spacer with saline. Before the filling process, it's a hot mess. All wrinkled and bunched up and hard and lumpy. My plastic surgeon compared getting an implant to an uninflated beach ball.
The first time I saw myself without all the dressings and compression bra on, I sat and cried for almost an hour. It was bad, y'all. Mostly because it wasn't what I had planned for, what I was expecting. But it really is getting better. I've been filled three times now, and although I'm still a bit asymmetrical, it's getting better. Dr. Hsu promises that it will all be okay eventually.
The filling process is an experience all in it's self. I have quite a bit of feeling in the flap side, but the implant side has almost none. When I get filled, basically the stab a big fat needle through my breast into the spacer. And then I lay there for 15 long minutes while a nurse squeezes saline from a bag (like an IV bag) through the needle. It doesn't really hurt while she's doing it but I am afraid of needles and can't bear to watch. I usually babble as fast as possible about anything that comes into my head. Dr. Hsu's poor nurse probably knows more about me and my kids than anyone would want to.
People said that this process was harder on them emotionally than they expected. I would have to agree. It's difficult to look at myself and not feel like Frankenstein's monster. The spacer is rock hard. Snuggling with my kids or holding the baby doesn't feel right on that side. Bras don't fit right. Clothes don't fit right. It's frustrating to finally get feeling good and then go back in to get filled again and hurt again. Over and over.
But even though it's been hard, and hasn't gone the way I planned, I am still 100% sure that I made the right decisions for me and for my family.
That's all for now. I'll be having another two surgeries - hopefully one in October to replace the spacer with the permanent implant, and one in December for all the final reconstruction touch-ups, so I will post more about them later.
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