Rambling

I've been thinking a lot about mom this week. I'm writing a class right now on creating a personal history scrapbook, and I need to make some scrapbooking pages about my childhood. It bothers me that I don't have very many memories of her. She was sick a lot of the time, and I have a poor memory. I can't remember very many specific times spent with her. That frustrates me, and it scares me. I wish I had more to write about. The things I remember don't make pretty, sweet scrapbooking pages. They are more random. I'll be talking to Travis or the kids, and I'll say something and I'll suddenly remember her using the same phrase. Or I'll grab a pen out of the drawer and start to write, and I'll notice how much my writing looks like hers. Or as I read to Megan, I'll remember how much I love to read because of her - I can't remember her reading to me, although I know that she did, but I remember seeing her read, piles of books by her bed. I don't remember concrete moments - Christmas morning, family vacations, etc., but I remember fragments, feelings and memories that are wispy like smoke that dissipate when I try too hard to examine them. But, like smoke, even if you can't grab hold and clutch them, they are real.

I have arthritis in my left hand. Usually, if I take my medication, it doesn't bother me too much. But sometimes, if I over do it, like after an especially intense class at Scrap Girls where I type like crazy for a long time, it throbs. And occasionally, it aches for no reason at all. A friend of mine recently asked me how long it took before losing a parent quit hurting. I think it's like the pain in my hand. It's always there. It never totally goes away. Most days, it's manageable, but some days you expect it to hurt. Mother's day is always hard, although it is easier to sit through church while holding a squirming 3 year old. Birthdays, special days in your child's life, I just know they will hurt. I get through those days okay now - I can prepare for them. But occasionally, I have a day when I hurt for no apparent reason. Some days I just miss her. I miss what I feel I never had, a real relationship with her. On those days, I am especially grateful for my sisters, for my friends. For books to read, for chocolate to eat. For Travis and the kids. And most of all, for the gospel, for the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. For my testimony, for my Savior.

Every year, a few weeks before Mother's day, I seem to have a hard time, wishing for thing I never had, missing things that I can only imagine. If you knew my mom, if you have memories of her, I would love to hear them. I would love to hear your thoughts. Give me a call, write me an email. It would be great. Happy Mother's Day, just a little bit early!